the general feeling of the day...

I hate all de orphan in de whole worl.


I hate dem!

i miss heaven.

huh.

These are from a recent trip to Hilton Head Island.... I decided one evening that come hell or high water i WOULD see the sunrise the following morning. I knew the sun did in fact rise at around six a.m.... but could not manage to set my alarm for any earlier than six-fifteen. Luckily, Will's awful hideous screech of an alarm went off at five till six. I hollered across the room, "Why the hell is your alarm going off? I'm going to see the sunrise!" He mumbled something about how he and Luke were going to see the sunrise, not me. In the end, I had to drag him out of bed so he wouldn't miss his transcendental beach trip sunrise experience, and we met Luke downstairs and silently rode bikes to keep our tryst with the sun. When we got there, we climbed up on the lifeguard's tower and watched...i lit a cigarette and had to put on my sweatshirt. Will and I saw some dolphins right up near the shore, two of them, in perfect time, heading north...and we pointed them out to Luke, who couldn't see them, kept not seeing them, but decided to rip his clothes off and run to swim with them anyhow.

oh man.

tomorrow i get to have...

steak. at aunt betty's... and croquet, and annette hanshaw on the record player... mint julep's... and smoking... and probably a sunburn.

Yes.

Yeah...man.

John Piper is just a bad-ass. Not sure that I have my thoughts all ironed out on this one though... anyone else have any thoughts?

The list that causes the stress that causes the general depression and angst and

i KNOW that i'm twenty six years old and should know by now to TRUST THE LORD! so anyways.

1. Register for classes. somehow.
2. Get financial aid. somehow. (lie, cheat, coerce)
3. Convince myself that student loans are a good idea at this point in my life.
4. Find my passport. Before August 13. (i just love that i have to do this...heh.)
5. Clean my room, do my laundry.
6. Pet my poor sad little cat that doesn't realize that his peaceful existence is about to be BOMBSHELLED by Samantha's fat fighter cat, Negrito. Thankfully, Negrito had to have one of his legs amputated last week, so he may not actually kill Patrick, just wound him. And destroy his life.
7. Pack up my meager existence.
8. Paint my house
9. Find people and offer them outrageous amounts of money to do random things at the house like fix leaks and patch walls, and take trash to the dump.
10. Find and destroy the neighbor kid that I paid $20 to mow the yard 2 weeks ago.
11. Pay my bills. Somehow.
12. Make extra money. Somehow.
13. Exercise regularly. Going on vacation was so great, i rode my bike and swam everyday and felt so good!


Jordan told on the way home that when we got back, "everything will be different. " I wanted to believe it. Even now, I do. But somehow...i am just scared of the sameness. Like maybe it is in charge, instead of me. Huh. I can't really express the depth and passion of the fears and sadnesses threatening to drown me again. Again! Will it ever leave!? Fucking Fuck!!!

This most recent excursion in thought is my prevailing and overwhelming state of being this morning. God, I hope it doesn't last long.

I do love you all.