Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Everything is different now, and I hate it
LIST of FEARS
I started with just LIST but then realized the list in my mind was specific, so i changed it.
1. Art show this friday night. I am scared to death and regretting oh so much the
decision to do music what in the HELL was i thinking really? I have two (2)
paintings/drawings to make before tomorrow night. Let me repeat that. Before
tomorrow night. No bd tho really, I mean my art show co-hort, Eric, is taking
Sam's adderall to finish his stuff. I can do it without adderall. I guess I need espresso.
Or something.
2. Scheduling. I leave for Hawaii on August 20. I leave for the rest of the world on September
10th. All my school apps are due either on September or October 1st. Which means they should really
all be in like, now. I'm trying. To not be overwhelmed by the fact that this is my FUTURE we are
filling out forms for. So that leaves me with, like, next week, to get them all in. Gr8.
3. Money. I need more. I have none, currently, I am in the hole way down in the hole, and I need more
for bills and such while i am gone, and I need more for plane tickets, and I need more for flip flops, and
I need more for a headlamp, and I need more for KUB, and I need more for my school apps. Hundreds
and thousands more than I have. How? When?
4. The Future. I am applying at a lot of places. I have no hope of getting in anywhere. My life is a failure, a waste, and a ruin. I will never be a PA. At least not today.
5. My brain. It worries me. I need more brain meds and can't get them until my appointment on August 30th. Then in order to get a months worth of meds to take on my trip, I will somehow need to get $300.00 for those 8 pills. If I want to pay less and get meds from Canada, it will take 6 weeks for them to get here. I cant wait that long.
6. Relationships. They make me sad and afraid. My relationship with Lincoln makes me happy. That is the only one.
7. Sickness in foreign countries.
8. Marriage.
I don't know why I feel compelled to freak out here on the internet. I think it just makes me feel better to make a list and send it somewhere. Anyhow.
Soon I will make a list about better things.
I started with just LIST but then realized the list in my mind was specific, so i changed it.
1. Art show this friday night. I am scared to death and regretting oh so much the
decision to do music what in the HELL was i thinking really? I have two (2)
paintings/drawings to make before tomorrow night. Let me repeat that. Before
tomorrow night. No bd tho really, I mean my art show co-hort, Eric, is taking
Sam's adderall to finish his stuff. I can do it without adderall. I guess I need espresso.
Or something.
2. Scheduling. I leave for Hawaii on August 20. I leave for the rest of the world on September
10th. All my school apps are due either on September or October 1st. Which means they should really
all be in like, now. I'm trying. To not be overwhelmed by the fact that this is my FUTURE we are
filling out forms for. So that leaves me with, like, next week, to get them all in. Gr8.
3. Money. I need more. I have none, currently, I am in the hole way down in the hole, and I need more
for bills and such while i am gone, and I need more for plane tickets, and I need more for flip flops, and
I need more for a headlamp, and I need more for KUB, and I need more for my school apps. Hundreds
and thousands more than I have. How? When?
4. The Future. I am applying at a lot of places. I have no hope of getting in anywhere. My life is a failure, a waste, and a ruin. I will never be a PA. At least not today.
5. My brain. It worries me. I need more brain meds and can't get them until my appointment on August 30th. Then in order to get a months worth of meds to take on my trip, I will somehow need to get $300.00 for those 8 pills. If I want to pay less and get meds from Canada, it will take 6 weeks for them to get here. I cant wait that long.
6. Relationships. They make me sad and afraid. My relationship with Lincoln makes me happy. That is the only one.
7. Sickness in foreign countries.
8. Marriage.
I don't know why I feel compelled to freak out here on the internet. I think it just makes me feel better to make a list and send it somewhere. Anyhow.
Soon I will make a list about better things.
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