good morning, good mo-o-orning.

Just feel like writing this morning.

Read about how anna laura went to the mountains all by her self. If it had been me, it would have been all by my lonesome, 'stead of self. Wish I had the balls to go and do stuff like that. Why is it that if I am not experiencing something with someone, it doesn't feel worth experiencing? This is a serious disability. I mourn the ability that i never had of valuing life just because its mine.

Miss Katie Gray this morning. She knows me, well. And she's awful attractive.

I am wearing the highest heels I own. They feel great. Emotionally.

I was able to tell someone about the Innocence Mission. Someone that had never heard of them. This person loves it, of course. He keeps sending me text messages about this or that song, this or that album. His life has been enriched, and I am taking the credit. Ha! I am now, with great joy, going to reveal to him the Ps22 version of "There". Ha!

I am thankful for my job today. Gave Joel a ride this morning to town, since I was coming to work, and I parked my gorgeous car and got out in my heels and my D&G bag and walked into the tallest building in knoxville to make coffee, sit at a desk and do this. And Joel walked away to look for a job. A home. A car. A reason to live. Love. He is so precious, and so young. Father, draw his heart into a relationship of intimacy that I can't even fathom. May he be a prophet, an apostle, a healer, teacher, leader. You make the call.
I was writing a poem of sorts in my Most Personal Journal the other day, and one line I liked. "Got to find- something else to live for. Got to live for something else." It speaks so me. You would think that everything you wrote would speak to you. Not so. I realized that I have been living a little crooked. I think God wants for me to be fulfilled. To be alive. So then I think that if I follow God, it is the most sure fire method of me being fulfilled and alive. This is crooked, but it can be subtle. Because my one goal in this, truly, is just to follow God. But, I am following God so that I will get what I want. (Yeek!) 'Cause God created marriage, and children, and adventure, and music, and beauty. Surely it is within reason to expect that he wants me to experience the "full" life. you know, abundant life. And so I will follow him. To get what I want.
Well, this is what I was thinking of when I said, Got to live for something else. I can't live with the same dad-blasted teenage hopes of love and adventure as the highest calling in life. How dumb would I have to be, to keep living with those hopes. I don't have it figured out yet, and I would also have to be dumb to take a pat answer to this. I've got plenty of those. They are shit. Worthless. So. Got to find something else to live for.

I live right now broken cold
Coals glow dusty hot underneath my wood my
Wood is wet now, evaporated want craving
Fire raging up, raging on i want it bigger,
bigger.
Or just to float up with vapors smoking
Steam (atmospheric want) into
Ozone, float free spooked
Dead weightless wantless forever.
(forever.)

fantastic

Anna Laura's little sister, Havah, was assigned the task of writing a story. Here it is.

“Once upon a time there was a girl that lived with her brother, and her brother longed for adventure. One day she found a piece of paper and it said:

Dear Max,
If you find this, do not let Peter give you lime punch at 7:30.
Love,
Alice”

Me today.

told marshall i would write about this...

So here's what happened. I was laying in Josh's bed the other night. It was seven o'clock. I had been reading Memoirs of Geisha, and something about the tragedy and despair of the asian mindset in that book translated itself to me, (shocking, i know). I put the book down and just lay there, in the half dark, and I was able to cry. I was filled with the despair of my own sitiuation and sent my thoughts roving around in the dark fields of my memories and my disapointments. I spend just a few moments crying really hard, you know how. And all at once, as I was crying, going back and forth between crying hard and not, I realized that in one position my face felt comfortable, at home, like it was RIGHT. All screwed and squeezed up around my eyes, mouth open, crying really hard. And when I relaxed my face, my muscles, my tears, well then my face did not feel nearly as comfortable. And then as soon as i opened my mouth wide again and squinched up my eyes to cry...it felt good. It felt right. So fascinating.

Did you know...If you lay on your back on a bed and cry...the tears roll down the sides of your face and get your ears wet.

Thankfully marshall came bangin around and shaking things up on this friday night that I thought I preferred to spend in bed. And Marsh and Matt and I went to Taste of Thai and had a marvelous, wonderful time. Lish.