sheesh

Today has been so freakin' depressing! Its kind of ridiculous. What with the damn grayness, and the rejection, the fears, and the hormones. Of course. omg

I did pray i DID but even so and even with-

I am hurt today because someone doesn't want me- and maybe they shouldn't, and maybe i wouldn't either if i was them- somehow that has not helped

I think it would help if someone did, i know this is a terrible way to think-

but you young ones listen to me. Really wanting someone is so  much more than just thinking you want them, isn't it. For someone to really want you, they must have the capacity to want you more than they want themselves, and more, the ability to want Jesus more than they want you....and if they don't have that  capacity, then they can't really want you. Are you listening to me?

It helps somehow just to reflect on something true- on one true thing- its truth is so comforting, a v. small island in the midst of the tossing sea....

I am really just torn

today about all this ash business. Its so lovely and dark and gray and so very foggy outside...its seems nice to think of Jesus and repentance and ashes and all that...I want the stuff on my forehead! I can't believe I have to wait till 5:15 for it. BUT

Really what in the hell? Special repentance day? What about yesterday? Special fasting days? What about next fall when you are in a serious state with some aspect of life and god and you need to hear? You need to clean out? To be closer? Or last week? What about last week? Isn't fasting something we should do in response to the immediate call of God? Not that he can't call today. I guess I just think we should be careful about letting structure take the place of the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I mean, obviously. We all know that.

I know, I know, logic and all that, its good to have special times, just like birthdays don't mean you aren't special every other day of the year.. so I have a bad attitude towards traditions sometimes... Honestly if we could have an ash Wednesday service that involved liturgy and ashes and repentance and also an hour long ambient worship service where I could lay on my face, pray and/or dance? That would be stellar.