Its a weird week. Samantha left for New York. That in and of itself is enough to qualify this as a weird week. I skipped class Tuesday which is never done, never. And next week is my last of the semester...finals galore. Then I will be home for five, count them, five days before leaving for the beach for a week with my precious family. I am looking forward to it. Mostly because I get to have the 4th floor all to myself, it is a small room, with a bed, and its own porch and hammock, overlooking the sea. Imma be so happy up there and the cell phone signal is sure to be solid.
It is a different thing writing a blog and sending it out into the great www when it is just you, and you know it will be read by people you love and people you don't, people who cannot identify in any way with your sorry state and many who do. When you have the cushion of a spouse or boyfriend or children or home around you...you say what you want, and you don't really care. I did anyhow. When you don't have any of those cushions you feel more vulnerable i guess, and less confident in opening yourself up to criticism, even criticism that you would never hear, hurling itself across states and countries, over oceans through the air.
I took a funny test this morning. My written final exam in Physical Diagnosis. When you hear a medium intensity, high pitched crescendo-decrescendo late diastolic murmur at the apex of the heart...what is it? Mitral stenosis? If so why is it high-pitched? If a mother brings in a baby with a honey-colored crusted rash with vesicles in the perioral area...IMPETIGO. Right? If a patient has severe otalgia, erythmatous external ear canals with tenderness and no granulation, a normal pearl-gray tympanic membrane and greenish yellow discharge, what is it? Otitis externa? Otitis media? Both? Serous otitis externa? Mastoiditis? If so where THE HELL IS THE DISCHARGE COMING FROM?? These are the questions I have asked myself today. Those and about 97 other ones. Holy shit it was awful. I hope I passed...Lord i hope i did.
--break to check grades again and see if up--
Not up yet.
So anyhow. I feel kind of starved for the things that make life worthwhile. I don't know why. I get lots of them on the weekends. I shouldn't feel starved. Maybe its my hormones. Probably.
Also there are so many more things going on that are making me sad and feel crazy, and I know I need to just pray and let God tell me how to feel about them, and let Him tell me when I should be feeling saner because things aren't bad in His opinion, and not worry about everyone else... but sometimes you forget to pray and then you get in the habit of letting the people in your life act as a sounding board, you let them tell you by their emotions and words, whether or not things are okay and whether or not you are crazy. Fuc that dude. Imma pray. And fast if I have to. I think I feel starved cause i miss God.
Anyhow hopefully see some of you this weekend, when I come home, to my temporary home.
It is a different thing writing a blog and sending it out into the great www when it is just you, and you know it will be read by people you love and people you don't, people who cannot identify in any way with your sorry state and many who do. When you have the cushion of a spouse or boyfriend or children or home around you...you say what you want, and you don't really care. I did anyhow. When you don't have any of those cushions you feel more vulnerable i guess, and less confident in opening yourself up to criticism, even criticism that you would never hear, hurling itself across states and countries, over oceans through the air.
I took a funny test this morning. My written final exam in Physical Diagnosis. When you hear a medium intensity, high pitched crescendo-decrescendo late diastolic murmur at the apex of the heart...what is it? Mitral stenosis? If so why is it high-pitched? If a mother brings in a baby with a honey-colored crusted rash with vesicles in the perioral area...IMPETIGO. Right? If a patient has severe otalgia, erythmatous external ear canals with tenderness and no granulation, a normal pearl-gray tympanic membrane and greenish yellow discharge, what is it? Otitis externa? Otitis media? Both? Serous otitis externa? Mastoiditis? If so where THE HELL IS THE DISCHARGE COMING FROM?? These are the questions I have asked myself today. Those and about 97 other ones. Holy shit it was awful. I hope I passed...Lord i hope i did.
--break to check grades again and see if up--
Not up yet.
So anyhow. I feel kind of starved for the things that make life worthwhile. I don't know why. I get lots of them on the weekends. I shouldn't feel starved. Maybe its my hormones. Probably.
Also there are so many more things going on that are making me sad and feel crazy, and I know I need to just pray and let God tell me how to feel about them, and let Him tell me when I should be feeling saner because things aren't bad in His opinion, and not worry about everyone else... but sometimes you forget to pray and then you get in the habit of letting the people in your life act as a sounding board, you let them tell you by their emotions and words, whether or not things are okay and whether or not you are crazy. Fuc that dude. Imma pray. And fast if I have to. I think I feel starved cause i miss God.
Anyhow hopefully see some of you this weekend, when I come home, to my temporary home.
1 comment:
Remember that time at church retreat when you were uncomfortable with me using "cheese!" as expression because it was too close to "Jesus"? Doesn't that seem ages ago?
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