so sad...

Hello friends, and people that read my blog. You should really comment occasionally and not just be ghost blog readers. I hate those.
I guess I couldn't really explain to a single one of you why I am so sad this evening. I am thankful, as I glance down, to see that it is already 7:17 PM. That means I can go to sleep pretty soon...like in 3 hours. I only have to make it three more hours. I don't like it when my deep vulnerabilities are brought out where I can see them. When something happens to trigger me being uncontrollably sad, or angry. Or both. It makes me panicky. I know that my heart is not resting completely in Jesus. (please, don't be concerned, yours probably isn't either.) When something can totally undo me, totally unnerve me, have me acting in opposition to what my logical precepts would dictate.... then my heart, my self, is not my own. And that makes me panicky, which in turn stresses me out, so then i'm feeling uncontrollably sad, angry, panicky, and stressed out. I fucking hate emotions. I hate loving. I hate being hurt. I hate need. I hate needing, anything. I hate want, desire, longing. I hate my vulnerability. I hate my weakness. I'm so tired of being hurt, and wanting and not being filled, of needing.....and needing and needing and needing no end in sight. This life, as good as God is, in my opinion offers so, unbelievably much pain and hurt, and the good here is a joke in the face of the weight of the pain. I know God works, and redeems, and brings hope...but are you fucking kidding me!!! I'de take heaven, now, over every thing this life has to offer me today or tomorrow(s). Course I don't really know tomorrow. Never been there. So I speak foolishly, without authority...i know.
Just being honest.
It is now 7:33PM.