shwewhhhhhhh. officially possibly the worst day of my life yesterday.
i feel: Guilt, terror, anger, a sadness that suffocates, disappointment, grief, confusion that blinds, weight, a desire to die, and a heavy blinding blackness. I have a close knowledge of "evil". Too close. I know more than i want to, more than i asked to know. i have spent much of my life scoffing at naivete, but now i value it, treasure it. I know why adults and parents worry and guard their children or any child's knowledge in this world. I am terrified to have children. Scared of what is out there for them to know, to experience. to be disappointed by. The disappointment is one of the worst things about it, about life.
Pain is so strange. It is itself an objective, physical thing. Like a nose ring. Or a rock. I wonder what I would have to do to make myself immune to it? I don't think that my personal life experience is any sort of standard to measure pain and disappointment by. It has, however awakened me to the possibilities. It is of those that I am afraid. For you, for my future children, for my family, for everyone. I do have hope of experiencing joy again, of living. But today I am going to hide. Probably tomorrow too.
When i think of survival today... i think about Patrick, my cat. And how this morning he sounded like he was dying outside my door, wanting to be let into my room. So I let him in, even though I was hurrying to work, and picked him up, which I knew he wanted b/c he was hanging from my sock with his teeth while i moved about. And after I picked him up he put one paw on one side of my neck, and the other paw curled around the other side of my neck. and then he put his little head down on my chest, just under my chin. And held still.
i think about beer. and how i like the taste of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. how it costs money, and so is an investment. and investment in life, in living. in living and working and tasting on purpose.
i think about my friends. (by friends i mean family too. one group, dammit.) and how they need me, and how i need them. how beautiful they are, how precious. what i want for them. how i want to live because they are living.
i think about music. how i know for a fact that i have music inside of me that people need to hear. that i have things to say, that are already known but need to be heard again. and again. like joseph's music. joseph's music brings us a strange peace. i think its the beauty of it.
anyways.
i feel: Guilt, terror, anger, a sadness that suffocates, disappointment, grief, confusion that blinds, weight, a desire to die, and a heavy blinding blackness. I have a close knowledge of "evil". Too close. I know more than i want to, more than i asked to know. i have spent much of my life scoffing at naivete, but now i value it, treasure it. I know why adults and parents worry and guard their children or any child's knowledge in this world. I am terrified to have children. Scared of what is out there for them to know, to experience. to be disappointed by. The disappointment is one of the worst things about it, about life.
Pain is so strange. It is itself an objective, physical thing. Like a nose ring. Or a rock. I wonder what I would have to do to make myself immune to it? I don't think that my personal life experience is any sort of standard to measure pain and disappointment by. It has, however awakened me to the possibilities. It is of those that I am afraid. For you, for my future children, for my family, for everyone. I do have hope of experiencing joy again, of living. But today I am going to hide. Probably tomorrow too.
When i think of survival today... i think about Patrick, my cat. And how this morning he sounded like he was dying outside my door, wanting to be let into my room. So I let him in, even though I was hurrying to work, and picked him up, which I knew he wanted b/c he was hanging from my sock with his teeth while i moved about. And after I picked him up he put one paw on one side of my neck, and the other paw curled around the other side of my neck. and then he put his little head down on my chest, just under my chin. And held still.
i think about beer. and how i like the taste of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. how it costs money, and so is an investment. and investment in life, in living. in living and working and tasting on purpose.
i think about my friends. (by friends i mean family too. one group, dammit.) and how they need me, and how i need them. how beautiful they are, how precious. what i want for them. how i want to live because they are living.
i think about music. how i know for a fact that i have music inside of me that people need to hear. that i have things to say, that are already known but need to be heard again. and again. like joseph's music. joseph's music brings us a strange peace. i think its the beauty of it.
anyways.
No comments:
Post a Comment