Relationships are easy. Its dying to your Self thats hard. Yes, that is what I mean to say. I woke this morning lonely again. With the great Remembrance much to close to the cusp of my conscious self. So close I could see the glow of its big monster eyes spying me from the darkness of the cracked door. Shewf. Terrifying. Will it ever go away entirely, some year perhaps? I was also made presently aware of the War this morning. In a book, in a song, in video, in a conversation. Three times, maybe four. Just since waking this morning, with the terror and sadness haunting me, I have been made aware of the War, of the Greatness and glory and Story, four times. Why?
I do feel more peaceful just with that awareness. more hopeful. wonder why? what does the great war have to do with my sadness? Is it possible that my sadness could be swallowed? Engulfed in beauty, the beauty of a greater drama with a Redemption wilder than my half hearted imaginings? Perhaps if I lose myself... then this external objective "thing" that is my sadness will have no where to exist.. perhaps it will even die. starved of a soul to feed off of. Perhaps.
I don't know if it is wrong, in the true sense, to go off now, away from my computer, and look to fill the loneliness in me... but it cannot be any better to sit here, or in my room, or on the porch, and be washed by it, wave after wave. dunno, really. but, BUT! thank God, I'm hungry. something to do. incoming..text...just now.... my sister. "We've got pizza..." How did she know?
6 comments:
I'll keep your link on my "blogroll" private unless you want the publicity...I myself almost wish I had the commenting, here, all to myself. "interested"? much. and for long. something in me perked up very tall and straight at the thought of your blog, seeing the url, and I thought in a wordless quick moment: we can talk again. whatever. we can always talk. theoretically -- but anyway. I will visit this blog often... there's something in the distraction of staying "home" that is peacefuller to me, like going out is peacefuller to you. I just had that thought. see you later.
hmm.. yes maybe take me off your blogroll? i clicked on it and it took me here... don't mind terribly if people find me but don't really want to advertise. you know?
i'm really sorry (and all at once not) but i found you here...i clicked on the link and here i am. thing is, i dont think i can unfind you. i mean somebody else, some place else, i could most probably unfind...its just that its you. i tried to pretend for a moment that i didnt find your blog only its like finding treasure in a thrift store and not being able to take it home, pull it out of my bag and hold it up in the air with a smile that starts eyes first. i hope you can forgive me. i hope you can both forgive me...i dont mean to intrude...i had to tell you i had ended up here one lonely night otherwise i would feel most peculiar, as though i had taken something that wasnt mine...Xx
chloe, dearest, please don't leave, stay. i want you. i'm so glad you are here.
well...this is just wonderful. really. thank you.
i have been thinking about having a blog type thing myself and late last night (or early this morning) i began. www.andthoughtscomelikerain.wordpress.com
no, no: as if I could ever have anyone to myself, or would want to. chloe most welcome. can I read your blog too? well, I am. sigh. the wonder and terror of the internet...
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